Deciding to have a family often gets the Hallmark-movie treatment. But real life is bumpier. Which might explain why many women aren’t always prepared for how stressful it can be trying to conceive—particularly if you aren’t pregnant after a year. What’s next can play on your emotions even more: the prognosis of infertility. 

Issues with fertility give rise to all kinds of feelings. They can easily find their way into many aspects of your life and relationships, including how you feel about yourself, your interactions with others, and what your future may or may not look like. 

The worry surrounding your desire to become pregnant can lead to heightened anxiety. And if you move forward with fertility treatments, they themselves can contribute to stress. Studies have shown that women with infertility have levels of anxiety and depression comparable to those diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, and HIV.  

Infertility can be beyond tough. There’s not a quick solve or one perfect thing anyone can say to prevent you from feeling down. It is a rollercoaster that takes a lot of investment in time, money and emotion. Just know that whatever’s going through your mind, it’s valid. And that there are things you can do to feel better.

The Emotional Impact of Infertility

Women can cycle through a lot of emotions after getting an infertility diagnosis. It can be a lonely and confusing time. Here are five feelings many women have when experiencing infertility. 

1. Guilt

It's common for women to blame themselves for their infertility. They may look for a reason why they can’t conceive. They might search for a connection to something they’ve done that could have caused this, such as prior use of emergency contraception or a previous abortion, neither of which are linked to infertility. 

They may also feel guilty and responsible that their partner won’t be able to have kids. That’s a heavy load to carry.

2. Shame 

In so many ways, our culture builds up motherhood as a woman’s reason for being. So when a woman wants to have kids but can’t get pregnant, it can truly dampen her sense of self-worth. She might feel inadequate or even like a failure as a woman.

On top of that, women going through fertility procedures to get pregnant also can develop a negative body image. Hormone treatments and in vitro fertilization can lead to weight gain, bloating, and scarring.

3. Grief 

When you’ve been trying to conceive naturally, or when you’ve always wanted biological children of your own, infertility can bring up real grief. You may grieve the loss of that expectation, that dream. 

Not being able to conceive—naturally or at all—can make it seem you have little control over your life goals. Feeling this way can exacerbate grief. If you’re getting fertility treatments, an unsuccessful cycle may be perceived as a new loss or failure, triggering the grieving process all over again. 

4. Anger or Resentment

Women may become hurt or angry if their partner's emotions do not match their pain. They may also feel resentment or jealousy toward pregnant women and families with children. In their minds (and often in reality), they think those people can’t relate to infertility struggles. 

Women may even avoid spending time with certain people so they are not constantly reminded of their grief. This can include close friends and family members. 

Beyond that, let’s be honest: It’s hard to look pretty much anywhere without being bombarded by images of babies and kids. On TV. In the news. All over social media. Women might wonder why they’re the ones having to deal with this. It can be an incredibly isolating feeling.

5. Anxiety or Fear

Infertility brings up so many unanswered questions. Your future may feel unclear. And when you don’t know what’s going to happen, it’s only natural to feel anxious or scared. Here are some of the specific things women may feel: 

• Uncertainty about whether your future will include children
• Fear over disappointing loved ones
• Fear over infertility treatments (what’s involved and potential outcomes)
• Stress about the financial commitment necessary for treatment
• Fear of abandonment or rejection by a partner or community

According to one study, up to 40% of women were diagnosed with anxiety, depression, or both prior to their first infertility clinic. And as treatment goes on, symptoms of anxiety and depression may increase. 

Fertility medications can contribute to stress. Some women receive hormone treatments, which can cause hot flashes, changes in libido, sleep disturbances, irritability, anxiety, and a depressed mood. 

Of course, not everyone will experience all, or any, of these side effects. It’s always best to speak with your clinician about any new symptoms you encounter, whether you’re getting fertility treatments or not. 

How to Deal With the Stress of Infertility

There is no one “normal” way to feel about infertility. According to many women, infertility is one of the toughest life events they have faced. 

But you don't have to go through it alone. It’s key to be kind to yourself, reconnect with your partner and loved ones, and ask for help when you need it. All of those can be harder than they sound. A starting place? These eight specific strategies.

1. Identify your emotions 

Try to pinpoint exactly what you’re feeling. Is it guilt, shame, grief, anger, anxiety, or fear? A mixture of a couple of those? When you allow yourself to ID and acknowledge your emotions, you can begin to understand how to manage them. 

It will also help you understand what you can deal with on your own, and where you may need additional support. 

2. Do things that help you destress

Infertility is closely linked with anxiety and depression, so it’s key to seek out things that make you feel better. It’s important to remember that the basics—exercise, eating healthily, getting enough sleep—can naturally lower stress. It may seem difficult to prioritize self-care right now, but it really does matter. 

Mind-body techniques also have been proven to help lower stress and reduce negative thoughts. These include meditation, deep breathing exercises, and yoga. There are many forms of each, so if you can’t find something that works for you, ask your doctor for guidance or try an app that offers lots of options. 

You might also look into joining an infertility mind-body support group. These programs teach relaxation techniques, stress management, and coping skills. They also offer group support, letting you connect you with others dealing with similar circumstances. Many include partners in the sessions. 

To find a program near you, speak with your physician or fertility specialist, who may be able to refer to a local program. Or start a search online with “mind-body fertility program” or “fertility wellness program.”   

5. Let your partner feel their feels 

Not everyone expresses grief the same way. If you have a partner, give them permission to handle their emotions differently than you. This will help lessen anger and resentment, and reduce the strain on the relationship. Just because they may seem less outwardly upset doesn’t mean they don’t care.

6. Keep your coupledom strong

Infertility challenges can quickly cause an emotional divide between you and your partner. But no matter who was diagnosed with infertility, the treatment journey and outcome will affect both of you. Discussing your options upfront and devising a treatment plan together will create a more supportive environment. Open communication is so crucial.

When you’ve been trying for a long time to get pregnant, your world can start revolving around just this one thing. Particularly your world as a couple. It’s easy to let everything else fall by the wayside, because it can all seem so insignificant in the bigger picture. 

Try and plan some dedicated couple time, revisiting activities and hobbies you used to enjoy together. This may help strengthen your bond and reconnect you emotionally and physically. 

7. Share how you want to be helped 

Let’s be honest: It can be hard for even the most empathetic humans to know what to say in tough situations. Friends and family may want to be helpful, but they often don’t know where to start. 

Remember that they’re not mind-readers. Ask for what you want or need right now. It might be to be hugged. Or just to be heard without any advice. Or maybe you’d prefer to be left alone. Whatever it is, say it out loud. This will help you and them get through this emotional time.

8. Talk it out with a therapist

If you’ve never heard the phrase “it’s ok to not be ok,” let us explain why it applies now: It’s a rallying cry to destigmatize mental health issues like depression—and to show people that they’re not alone. And that asking for help is also ok.

Even if you’ve never gone to therapy before, it can be really helpful now. Your body and mind are under incredible stress, and having an outlet where you can say anything prevents it all from getting bottled up. Managing anxiety, depression, and stress has been linked to increased odds of getting pregnant.

If you’ve decided to move forward with fertility treatments, experts suggest undergoing counseling before your first treatment. This can help you navigate the emotional uncertainty that is common throughout the cycle. 

4 Reasons to Consider a Mind-Body Fertility Program

1. Mind-body techniques lower stress and reduce negative thoughts
2. These groups teach you the “how tos” of coping skills
3. Connecting with others can make you feel less alone
4. These programs can improve pregnancy rates among women with infertility